Henry V at 51Fiver Cotswolds

By Graeme Goosebeard

May 15, 2017  

Henry takes on a Standard distance in the Cotwolds. The blueseventy #51Fiver takes place in the aptly named Lake 32 of the Cotswold Water Park.

Below lies his account of the proceedings. I can’t make head nor tail of it, but should you wish to read it, then read on…

Silky, smooth shaved legs

#51Fiver by Henry Humphreys

Here we are. Hell, there I was. In the queue, for the loos; three veteran competitors ahead, one (thick Gloucester accent) was counseling the other two:

“I’ve already done mine, trouble is it just lay there on the plate, and would if flush? No, so pump-pump-pump-pump goes I and gradually that monster started to slide.”

Was the race starting? Possibly. Christ, that’s Ed in the water.

“Eddie, what’s going on?”

He looks phased, I wait for the next wave. He swims with the first wave, the front line, cannon fodder. Maybe that wasn’t Ed.

A pleasant interlude, but a man identified as Ben freaks out and embarrasses himself; I float on my back thinking of the drive here and the cold look in the eye of the petrol station attendant: he knew.

“BAAAAAA… blub blub gurgle bubble.”

A man has me in a headlock; sharp fingers pinching my nose. Thrashing out I grab a leg, what a start; is this a start, or the end?

Where am I? Full wetsuit and I’m on dry land being helped to my feet.

“Thank you; yes I’m fine thanks”

Where was Ed. What was that devil doing, that mad time trialer, driven mad by checklists probably.

On the bike now, legs up legs down; pump-pump-pump-pump, keep going but roundly-round at different speeds.

I screamed into the wind:

“Where were we all going? Who is in charge here?”

Pass me a gel. Running was difficult. The legs were working, but for who? To what end?

I’m at the end and I can see Ed, he’s fully dressed? Why? What happened?

“We’ve done the best we can in the time available. Can’t say fairer than that.”

We shake hands and agree never to speak of this again.

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